Premonition

Have you ever got a warning before something bad happened to you? I had.

The first time I got it, I didn't understand. I just felt so upset, because somehow I misplaced the first rosary I had as my own. The rosary wasn't a unique one. As I recalled, Mom bought it at a local church. I rarely used it for praying, but since the first Mom gave it to me, the Rosary was always in my bag.....wherever I went. Then, soon after that lost, I got separated with someone dear to me at the time. But, still I didn't connect the two things together, as I knew that the separation was inevitable.

The second time it happened, I was really alerted. I had sensed that I was in the brink of losing someone again at the time. Then, one day I found that once again I misplaced my rosary. This time, the rosary was really my treasure. It was a souvenir that my Boss bought in Italy and claimed that it has been blessed by a priest there.

This time, I sat and thought....and then, I remembered a short story I had read in my teens. A story about how a couple lovebird exchanged gifts and promised to keep it safely, because they believed if they lost it, then they would also lost each other. Okay, my experience was very much different from the story. But the gist was the same. Whenever I loose something value to me, it is a premonition......that in the near future, I'll loose someone dear to me. The experience and my realization have made me very careful with my things, especially the ones with high values, not just in price, but more in the memories contained.

Recently, I found out that I lost the entire of recorded activities history in my one of messenger softwares. I just did an upgrade system at the moment. What made me very alerted was the fact that I did the same upgrading in another computer almost at the same time. But I didn't get the same problem at the other computer. So, why did it happen?

I really, really hope that this time I was proved wrong. That the previous experiences were only coincident. But, if it somehow would happen some day, I just wish that I'll be strong enough to face it and go on living. Because this time, I've gotten the premonition when everything is still a peaceful heaven for me.

Do you believe in FATE?

Recently, my friend asked me whether I believe in fate. This is one question that I had thought so long myself, so I was quite ready to answer it.

I am neither believe nor disbelieve about the influence of fate in our life. What I believe mostly is that everyone creates his own fate, by making choices in every second of their life. It's like one who stand in the middle of road crossing. Each direction we choose will create other consequences and sometimes will lead us into another road crossing again. 

But, I also believe that in some point of life, we'll get to a same place, no matter which way we took before, no matter how many times we had traced back our steps and took another way. This is what I call as fate. It is the one point we have to get through in life no matter how unwilling we are to face it. This is the place where I pray utmost so God would hold my hand to get through till the end.

Ash Wednesday, Lent and Redemption

Lent, the seven weeks time before Easter, is always the hardest moment for me. The moment which is started by Ash Wednesday supposed to be the moment to seek a redemption of our sins from God. It is the best moment to cleanse ourselves, to become closer to God.

What makes it hard for me is not the fasting and abstinence required to do during the Lent. It is the whole meaning of redemption that always makes me questioning about my faith.

A priest during a homily last week said that the main thing in seeking a redemption is regret, that one regret his sins and is willing to try very hard not to do it again. But what if I never regret what I had done, even though I knew it was a wrong thing to do according to the Teaching? Do I deserve to stay in my faith?

Lent is ended with celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ. In Holy Saturday, all of believers are asked to renew their baptismal promises. Commonly we just agree to the promises by reading the textbook. But since I developed the awareness of my faith, I found out that I couldn't just say yes but never do it in reality. It is after all a promise, to God Himself nevertheless. At some points, I just kept silent while the other around me were saying yes in chorus. I only try to be honest to myself. Do I still deserve to stay in my faith?

A friend once sent a daily reflection into my mailbox, questioning what our true motivation in keep going to the church. Is it really for God, or just a habit. But, is it wrong to keep coming and pray to God out of habits only? I read an article years ago, stressed that the main thing is to come and everything else will be added eventually. Is it wrong of me to stay connect with my faith born in me, while I still choose to do something against the Teaching?

My harvest this year

Thanksgiving isn't my culture. Nevertheless, there's nothing wrong in using the moment to thank God for His blessings and gifts towards me, especially during this year.

Thank You, God, for finally granted the wish(es) I'd made on the first day of August as my birthday wishes. That you finally lighted up my way that had been so long in the dark. That finally I got a new job, after so many years I tried and tried and almost gave up. And thank You, too, for allowed me making this good news as a wonderful welcoming present for a friend just as I wished.

Thank You, God, for surrounding me with good friends and family. For making me always found a little joy, love and laughter, even in the middle of chaos, stresses and troubles. For providing me a little oase where I could rest for a while, let go my burden and enjoy the moment, short as it is.

At last but not the least, I greatly thank You, God, for allowing me following my heart this time. I just hope that You won't mind grant me some strength when I need it most in the future, when everything won't end like I wish.

Dear God, bless everyone whom I love and who loves me. Especially for my elderly parents. For my Dad who has been ill for so long, please hold his hands, give him a strength to face his illness and to gladly lay his health in Your Hands. For Mom who has been so patient in caring my Dad and us her children, even in her old age.....grant her more strength and allow her to be able to enjoy her old age in peace and happiness, because she really deserves it.

Thank You, God, for my harvest this year. It's the best gift for my birthday this year! Amen.

God's Message or Just a Coincident?

Once, a friend asked me whether I'm a religious person. No, I'm not. I only do my minimum obligations: go to the church once a week or at other holidays required, pray only at the beginning and end of the day, rarely do any devotion. But, still I need to receive God's approval in everything I do, especially for something new, something that makes me have to choose. Of course I couldn't expect God would speak to me face to face, loud and clear. I have to listen it from everything happened around me, or listen to my heart. It's a difficult job, since I couldn't be sure whether it is really God's answer or just a coincident?

During these last couple of days, I had experienced bad things simultaneously. Fallen sick badly over a long weekend, when I would prefer used the time joining my friend in an outing together. My laptop's adaptor had suddenly broken, when every IT spare parts shops are closed for the holiday. It have made me worried, that somehow I'm going into a direction not intended for me to have it at all. I've been thinking and thinking, re-evaluating all of my actions and choices. There's a part in my heart that wants to acknowledge it as God's warning to me. But, much more of it just wants to see it as a co-incident, a bad luck for me.

So, at the present I just play along. Waiting, let the time goes by until the critical time comes. Hopefully, at the time I could realize something more of this bad luck meaning for me.

God and I

I always consider myself not religious enough. Sure, I go to the church once a week and every holy day. I pray every morning and before go to sleep. But that's all. I don't like to mention graces to God in every breath I take. In fact, I'm quite sinister to someone who does it. Not insult the person, but more in wondering whether he/she really mean it or just do it automatically, or worse only so he/she seems good enough in our eyes.

I never rely my hopes 100% in God's Hands. In fact, I rarely do devotions such as Novena to Holy Spirit or to Mother Mary. I don't have enough the diligence and toughness in following it from day 1 till its end. There's always something else more important to do or bad weather dampen my intention.

But I guess unconsciously I lean to God's shoulder every now and then. Maybe more than I really want it. I realize it every time I saved from a would-be trouble in my life, just because I acted on my impulsiveness despite a detailed plan I had made before. After the worst was over, I could see that at the time I had playing with time, trying to stall it, waiting for some signs from Him that all would be okay, that everything was right and true as it's supposed to be. I learn to watch and listen some signs around me before taking any decision. I couldn't acclaim it as God's voice, I'm not that good in recognize it at the first hearing. But every time a good thing come out of it, I always thank God (although never say it out loud) that He has saved me once again.

Many times I'm mad at Him because He wouldn't grant me my wishes. But somehow, I could see that He always give me a compensation, maybe not too much worth than my wishes in my eyes, but enough to make me see a light again. Enough to let Him once again hold my hand and walk on His way, hate it as I may.

I could see that I would always be interested in the short, nice-view side road to my happiness. But I could also realize that God never give up on me. His hands always ready to pull me from any danger. In one of my web essays I mentioned that one of my best attributes is the fact that there's always a guardian angel beside me who watch and protect me from any danger. And yes, it's true. All I have to do is always take a moment of silence and try to listen His voice in that moment. Apparently, He doesn't care that I keep our relationship so private. That I keep my worldly image in public. Only talk to Him privately.

Maybe someday, God, maybe someday......