Premonition

Have you ever got a warning before something bad happened to you? I had.

The first time I got it, I didn't understand. I just felt so upset, because somehow I misplaced the first rosary I had as my own. The rosary wasn't a unique one. As I recalled, Mom bought it at a local church. I rarely used it for praying, but since the first Mom gave it to me, the Rosary was always in my bag.....wherever I went. Then, soon after that lost, I got separated with someone dear to me at the time. But, still I didn't connect the two things together, as I knew that the separation was inevitable.

The second time it happened, I was really alerted. I had sensed that I was in the brink of losing someone again at the time. Then, one day I found that once again I misplaced my rosary. This time, the rosary was really my treasure. It was a souvenir that my Boss bought in Italy and claimed that it has been blessed by a priest there.

This time, I sat and thought....and then, I remembered a short story I had read in my teens. A story about how a couple lovebird exchanged gifts and promised to keep it safely, because they believed if they lost it, then they would also lost each other. Okay, my experience was very much different from the story. But the gist was the same. Whenever I loose something value to me, it is a premonition......that in the near future, I'll loose someone dear to me. The experience and my realization have made me very careful with my things, especially the ones with high values, not just in price, but more in the memories contained.

Recently, I found out that I lost the entire of recorded activities history in my one of messenger softwares. I just did an upgrade system at the moment. What made me very alerted was the fact that I did the same upgrading in another computer almost at the same time. But I didn't get the same problem at the other computer. So, why did it happen?

I really, really hope that this time I was proved wrong. That the previous experiences were only coincident. But, if it somehow would happen some day, I just wish that I'll be strong enough to face it and go on living. Because this time, I've gotten the premonition when everything is still a peaceful heaven for me.

Do you believe in FATE?

Recently, my friend asked me whether I believe in fate. This is one question that I had thought so long myself, so I was quite ready to answer it.

I am neither believe nor disbelieve about the influence of fate in our life. What I believe mostly is that everyone creates his own fate, by making choices in every second of their life. It's like one who stand in the middle of road crossing. Each direction we choose will create other consequences and sometimes will lead us into another road crossing again. 

But, I also believe that in some point of life, we'll get to a same place, no matter which way we took before, no matter how many times we had traced back our steps and took another way. This is what I call as fate. It is the one point we have to get through in life no matter how unwilling we are to face it. This is the place where I pray utmost so God would hold my hand to get through till the end.

Ash Wednesday, Lent and Redemption

Lent, the seven weeks time before Easter, is always the hardest moment for me. The moment which is started by Ash Wednesday supposed to be the moment to seek a redemption of our sins from God. It is the best moment to cleanse ourselves, to become closer to God.

What makes it hard for me is not the fasting and abstinence required to do during the Lent. It is the whole meaning of redemption that always makes me questioning about my faith.

A priest during a homily last week said that the main thing in seeking a redemption is regret, that one regret his sins and is willing to try very hard not to do it again. But what if I never regret what I had done, even though I knew it was a wrong thing to do according to the Teaching? Do I deserve to stay in my faith?

Lent is ended with celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ. In Holy Saturday, all of believers are asked to renew their baptismal promises. Commonly we just agree to the promises by reading the textbook. But since I developed the awareness of my faith, I found out that I couldn't just say yes but never do it in reality. It is after all a promise, to God Himself nevertheless. At some points, I just kept silent while the other around me were saying yes in chorus. I only try to be honest to myself. Do I still deserve to stay in my faith?

A friend once sent a daily reflection into my mailbox, questioning what our true motivation in keep going to the church. Is it really for God, or just a habit. But, is it wrong to keep coming and pray to God out of habits only? I read an article years ago, stressed that the main thing is to come and everything else will be added eventually. Is it wrong of me to stay connect with my faith born in me, while I still choose to do something against the Teaching?